The feeling of shame can be a very debilitating and paralyzing emotion. Here are some solutions we can use to handle shame in positive ways – ways that enable us to grow, and be more creative and even happier.
Solutions.
1. Admit it.
The basic rule for dealing with shame is simple: Admit it – at least to yourself – rather than suppressing it or defending yourself against it. Take a deep breath and don't react immediately since you may come to regret an immediate automatic response.
2. Talk about it.
Sharing your feeling of shame with someone you trust, a friend, for example, can be very releasing.
3. Laugh about it.
When we laugh in a loving, self-accepting way at ourselves, we can often ease the sting of many situations.
4. Find your own shame-pattern.
By identifying what it is that typically triggers feelings of shame in you and the defences you use to avoid it, can help you to handle eventual comin shame-situations in a better way.
Here's an exercise originally created by the shame-researcher Brené Brown that can be quite helpful.
Fill in the blanks of the following sentences on a peace of paper:
”I don’t want people to believe that I’m … ”
“I don’t want to be seen as … ”
“I would die if people knew that I … “
“I can’t bear the thought that the others should see me as … “
When you complete these sentences, you can also think a bit about the origin of your statements. Where did the thoughts prompting them come from?
Always remember that you are a valuable person worthy of love.
A frequent consequence of finding ourselves at the center of a painfully shameful situation is that we become extremely focused on ourselves. Redirecting this focus onto something else in our immediate surroundings – the weather, a vase, a crack in the doorway – and thus forgetting about ourselves for a while, can be a powerful antidote against shame’s destructive affects.
6. Don't take it personally.
You can't let other people make you feel ashamed, unless you give yourself the permission to let them affect you. Acting on this truth is, of course, easier said than done in many instances – but don't let this deter you.
It’s always your own thoughts that make you feel ashamed, not what other people say or do.
If someone repeatedly tries to make you feel ashamed, don't allow it. Find out effective things you can say or do to make him or her stop. Don't allow others to treat you in a bad way.
A good support can also be to find other people who are similar to you and/or even a group-workshop or organisation that addresses this issue. In this way, you have a chance to shed a destructive imprint of shame, and instead obtain a sense of pride and happiness with your own identity
Other options, if you are very affected by feelings of shame.
a. Two effective therapy forms that work well on deep shame are:
Hypnosis and a therapy form called Symbol-drama.
b. And, of course, raising our self-esteem is a highly effective antidote against
all debilitating emotions.
Finally, we need to be absolutely aware and certain that our vulnerability to shame is shared by the rest of humanity. Nobody is totally protected against shame.
I wish to close this post with a verse from a poem written by Tomas Tranströmer:
”Don’t be ashamed of being a human being, be proud!
Within you, vaults behind vaults open themselves in endless number.
You will never be finished, and that is as it should be.”
Best Regards,
Julia
