What we can learn from the need to get approval.

Do you have a repeated need of getting approval from others?

(Do you, for example, repeatedly seek to please others without taking into consideration your personal situation, feelings or beliefs? Or do you try to “control” others in order to win their approval?)

Alternatively, if you don't have a driving need of other’s approval, and feel ok about who you are, no matter what other people think or say – then that’s fantastic! (Whether this is a conscious or unconscious behaviour on your part, you‘re making use of an old secret to long-lasting, peace of mind and happiness.)

If, on the other hand, your answer to the topic question is “yes”– ask yourself: What is it about me that I most want people to praise me for? – To recognise and show their approval of?

Whatever you want from others, whether it’s to hear that you’re beautiful, smart, a great person, etc. – that is what you need heal within yourself, by giving it to yourself. The reason you have so much need for this approval is that you don't truly believe that particular aspect about yourself is adequate – so you search for it elsewhere.

Once you become consciously aware of the part of you that needs healing, you'll no longer have the need to search for it from others.

Instead, you’ll begin taking care of and meeting your own needs, and along the way, you’ll receive a great bonus, namely, others will begin to give you positive attention as well.

For example, when you learn to love yourself, you'll then be able to truly love others and they will love you.

I learned this great lesson when I was younger. I always tried to be perfect: Perfect in sports, perfect in school, and perfect in looking attractive, etc. I desperately needed and sought approval from others, and I believed that I might get even more recognition, if I was ”perfect” in everything I did. The problem with this behaviour was that I could never get enough. I was never satisfied. Why?

Because we can't truly receive something from others, before we are able to give it to ourselves, truly feeling we are worthy of it.

However, with the passage of time, my life-lesson finally caught up with me.

It happened at the time I started to develop a great interest in charity work and psychology – Just being in this area made me feel calm, free and happy. I was doing something I truly loved and I was passionately engaged in it: And what happened?

I didn't need approval anymore! Why? Because I could give it to myself by doing what I truly loved – to help others! : )

So a great strategy to significantly decrease the need of approval is to find something you're passionate about, and then give it to others with your whole heart.

This works wonderfully well – no matter what your passion is.

If you need the approval of others to feel good about yourself, make believe for a moment that you don't, and say to yourself:

” I don't need to seek approval from others.”
And then ask yourself: ”Why is it true?”

You'll discover that you already have the answer to this question inside of you, if you answer it honestly and with love.

Write it down on a piece of paper and experience the benefits, not from getting approval, but from the unvoidable realization that we are all worthy enough, just as we are.

This, of course, does not mean that we shouldn’t care about receiving people’s approval..

But as vital and satisfying as it is to hear that we’ve, for example, done a good job, it‘s equally as vital and satisfying to hear from someone that we’ve been a good friend, mother, brother, son etc. .

Think of all the joy that fills a person’s heart and soul when he or she receives delightful feedback, or words of love and affection from someone who is much respected or treasured. It doesn’t have to be in words – often a touch or a look can say as much. However it’s expressed, it’s a wonderful feeling that we periodically need to experience in our lives.

There is a well known song that goes: “ … little things I should have said and done, but I never took the time. But you were always on my mind.” And the truth is we’re all subject to forgetting the importance of these “little things” during certain periods. This is sad because, as we’re all aware, it doesn’t cost us anything to show warmth and appreciation. And then suddenly, someone near and dear to us may turn away – and then we invariable regret the “little” things we didn’t say and do – that we didn’t make known and/or often enough how important that person was to us. Therefore, it’s worthwhile to try to live in the here and now, at least insofar as showing love and admiration for those around us.

The problem with getting so-called “outside” approval from those around us arises when we are completely ruled by it – Where virtually everything we do is directed towards getting others to admire and like us. This need is a sure sign that we are seriously undervaluing our intrinsic worth.

To learn more about how to heal important parts of yourself, and thereby, significantly decrease the need of approval visit http://www.self-esteemnow.com

Warmly,

Julia

Is self-esteem egoistical?

A few weeks ago someone bravely, and with sincere concern, asked me the following question:

”I'm so sorry, but isn't the focus on self-esteem a cause to egoistical behaviour, and less care about the well-being of others?”

This is a very important question and, at the same time, an unfourtunate reflection of the misunderstandings that surround self-esteem, and yet another example of what I’ve come see as a great ”unawareness” of the vital role self-esteem plays in our ability to establish a caring, positive-functioning relationship towards ourselves, and thereby to others.

Self-esteem has absolutely nothing to do with egoistical behaviour.

People who act egotistically with little concern for others have no
contact with their inner-source of natural self-love and self-esteem.

As human beings, this source of natural self-love lies within us, but we need to be in contact with it to function well – to realize our innate potential. For his reason, many people, who’ve temporary lost this contact during the course of their lives, try to compensate for it in a number of ways – egoistical behaviour is one example.

A lack of natural self-love also makes it more difficult for us to love and care about others in a synergetic way that benefits both parties – which is to say, ourselves and the people around us.

Instead, our relationships to others generally take on – in varying degrees – the characteristics of any of the four common patterns listed below:

1. We’re unable to consistently see the best in others. Instead, we consistently expend our energy on trying to find, or even invent, a litany of ”faults” the people around us may, or may not have, and then become greatly irritated by them.

2. We either isolate ourselves from others and/or act in an excessively egoistical manner, because we simply don't have the energy to either give to, or care about, others.

3. We give or care very sparingly, because we feel that we barely have enough energy for ourselves, much less for others..

4. We constantly give and care with total disrespect to our own needs until we ”burn out” – sometimes, to take the worst case scenario, in the form of a heart attack.

Most people don't have these behaviours totally ingrained in their character, but rather have an habitual tendencie to act that way.

When we begin to experience natural self-love by raising our self-esteem, instead of acting as above, we start to create harmony and peace within ourselves and in our relationships to others.

An intresting fact is also the application of the law of cause and effect, which states that cause and effect are one and the same. This implies that we can approach the nature of the cause by studying its effect. Since they are identical.

This means that if we consciously give of ourselves and care about others with good intentions it significantly raises our self-esteem over time.

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Here's an exercise:

Consciously do three things this week that can help someone or make them happy without them noticing it. And experience the positive effect it has on your self-esteem.

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I want to end this post by quoting a passage written by my friend who recently passed away, Dr. Bengt Stern. He takes the the thinking and psychology surrounding the concept of natural self-love to a global level. It’s a very interesting thought. Think about it....it has much truth in it.

With Love,
Julia

The individual is the key.

The inability to forgive, dread, bitterness, hate and the desire for revenge are not, primarily, relationship-disturbances. They are, rather, the various consequences of a separation between a person’s intellect and his or her deepest core-seed of love. This separation within the individual gives rise to a separation between individuals, and in extension, between nations, religions, races, etc...

First and foremost, these destructive ways of reacting are an indication of a disturbance, and a lack of awareness, within the individual. In order to rectify a person’s observable hostility it is necessary that this individual first resolve his or her inner hostilities.

Until now, the UN, without great success, has attempted to obtain peace in the world by primarily working at a societal level. They have failed to succeed because every individual in the society has retained within his or her person those destructive behaviours and patterns that create animosity to other people. Therefore, it does not help to initiate rectifying measures at a societal level when seeking to end violence and animosity between peoples.

Instead, the work of obtaining peace must, first and foremost, focus on teaching the individual to know him or herself at a deep level.

Today, with the help of TV, it is practicably feasible to reach the majority of worldwide humanity and begin to create widespread awareness of self-knowledge’s significance to obtaining lasting world peace.